i wanted it to be something more, to mean something more. i didn't want to be deprived of anything: the pleasures, the pain. i wanted a reason to cry over you through the relationship, not just at its ending. i wanted to make you mad, i wanted you to upset me. i wanted the yelling & the kissing, the laughing & the misunderstandings. i wanted the time & the hand holding, falling asleep in your arms to your heartbeat & southern girl. i wanted your sleepy smiles & the way i laughed when you tickled me. i wanted the feeling in my stomach when you ran your hands across my back, when you told me i was beautiful. i wanted you, i wanted us. i wanted it all, & that was too much.