(b) comes home. worried about me & my nerves when all i say is i'm fine. i get sleepy, grab a pillow & rest my head in his lap. slowly, his arm rests around my shoulders, again lightly touching my elbow, my face. simple things that i wanted but didn't need. jess sits in the floor & grabs the post-it note, Listen to your Heart it says. because (j) is sitting not three feet away & i'm betting he's as confused as hell, but at that moment i'm not caring. i miss him, on a too often basis. but we are unable. we cannot do this. three hours? i tried one (granted, with someone who wasn't exactly willing to keep this up) & it didn't work out so well, did it? i cannot decide. don't let me.
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(j) jessica tells me, when his arm was around you... he looked jealous because she's still so convinced he likes me. i'm trusting her intuition when he hugs me, or massages my shoulders, or makes an effort to be near me. maybe. maybe not.
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(b) "why do you all always think something is wrong with me?" i ask.
because there always is.
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(c) being in his city all day made my thoughts wander towards him. & when i got home, i called him, when i knew he'd be awake (12:30 his time). i only wanted to talk for a little bit, find out how he was doing.
hello?
"hello. what're you doing?"
watching a show. need something?
"no... i just hadn't talked to you in a while."
oh. it's a strange time to call.
"yeah i know. but i guess i'll let you go."
i'll tlak to you later. goodnight.
"night."
nice to know that he's only willing to talk to me when i actually need something. there's no want of casual conversation here. i was almost embarrassed.
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Listen to your Heart.
Intuition & Timing.
with the slightest bit of confidence.
i'm not sure where i'm going with this.
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(j & d) i'm a nervous driver. more so when it's dark, i have one too many people in my car, am driving someone to their house which i'm never been to before that's a half hour away, & when (d) & (j) keep screaming in order to scare me. i know it's dumb, but that was the closest i'd come to crying in a while. so stressed out. & when they ask me if they made me mad, that it would be okay if i was mad, i just sit there and say i am fine. i am not mad. & later the only change in my story was i am not mad, i am upset. so much for saying what was on my mind.
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(j) sat alone on the couch while jess, (d) & i sat together on the longer one. i'm alone over here! he says, & is invited to join our couch, sitting by me with my knee rested on his, petting my cat who sits on my chest.
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(b) you stress me out. learn how to wake up & answer a phone.
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(a) so, the birthday boy! for whom we decorated his room with post-its filled with random sayings, placed streamers from wall to wall, blew up & drew on balloons, created a scavenger hunt to find pennies, & hid many a numerous present. for whom we went up to louisville to eat at bw3's, watch pan's labyrinth, get ice cream & walk through the mall. i've missed him.
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bold, he says i'm getting bolder. & another assures me, i'm definitely not a coward.
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i need me some sun, some warm sidewalks to nap on, some capri sun to drink while i'm outside with my cat, some friends to walk down the road, a dogface to cross the creek, some green grass to walk barefoot on, some brothers to cook grilled cheese for lunch for & to watch Unsolved Mysteries with. i need me some summer. soon.