chaos called creation
12:16 a.m. & 2006-07-23

he took my hand in both of his, looked me in the eye & explained to me that he hasn't replaced me. sure, he's made a lot of new, great friends, but he's still got me. that will never change. my sleepyness must've put the idea into his head that i was being withdrawn, untouchable. i'm glad he's home.

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i tried to make myself like this boy tonight. any boy would've been nice. but it didn't work. nothing was there. am i still stuck on you, after seven months?

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90 mile per hour winds aren't as intimidating with you massaging my shoulders like you always do when i'm nervous. just your presence will calm me down.

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i'm expecting a phone call tonight. probably won't happen, but it's still expected. don't let me down.

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i love to sing songs like hi, my name is joe, & i work in a button factory & our own parody to it, hi, my name is kyle, & i work with the marching band. while riding that trolley, i tried to learn if you're happy & you know it clap your hands in japanese & failed miserably. i did succeed, however, in still calling sofi a mexican, jordan cherokee & catherine white (i'm japanese, even though "sofi! i don't speak japanese!" as i tend to say).

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i'm determined. i'm getting a picture of the three of us together. i need one. need.

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today, i took a permanent purple marker, & wrote someone loves you on a smooth, grey rock. i wrote have a wonderful day on another. on a plank on the bridge, i wrote you're happy, even if you're afraid to admit it. my flip flop straps say don't worry, be happy!.

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will i ever find my dexter, or my marcus flutie?

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i want to sit on my rooftop with you, or ly in the grass, my nose & cheeks burned red from the sun. you wouldn't be able to see me blushing.

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my summer ends next (not this) tuesday. as usual, i don't want it to end. i'm not ready for something to come between us, something break us apart. i'm not sure i could deal with it. i don't want to have responsibilities with homework, & now band. i'm having too much fun. i'm relaxed, i'm calm, i'm happy. i'm learning to live without regrets, i'm figuring out what is worth caring about. & i don't want him to leave. i'm being realisitc, he says, while comparing our schedules for the coming semester. we won't be seeing much of each other for a while. goddamnit, we will if i have to walk up there. sometimes i sound so desperate.

you're already missed